Posted by retardgirl on 2013/09/21 under Uncategorized Well , i cut everything out of my life that could have been a cause of my crazy wild anxiety. Contact with my mom, old friends, public highschool, i manufactured a genuine sense of confidence. My dad even moved us across town. My days are empty, just sit at home , do my homework, and try to entertain myself by playing guitar, sleeping and staring at the ceiling dreaming of a better ****ing day. Yet still.. somehow, this far in… Anxiety has managed to find a way to creep back into my life even when theres nothing wrong. And its more intense than before ! Than ever actually. I know nothing bad is going to happen, but still, i look into my bedroom from outside and my stomach turns black – void- disappears and then comes back again in knots of pain and nausea. My heart twists and sinks and rises and sinks and palpitates in waves of what? Pain. ugh pain pain pain. Physical distress for nothing. I cant afford to seek more help and im already well aware it will do nothing for me. I know why im like this too..Its my empathy really. Thats what it is. I feel everyones pain and i feel like i dont deserve to feel good when i know theres so much disarray surrounding me and i cant help it. But what can i really do? Fix the entire earths problems ? no. Im a hopeless case. Im too heavy. The only daydream i have is stereotypical to my foolish 16 year old girl self, a wishy washy relationship where i can drop my burdens on someone else but im not selfish enough not to realize how wrong that is. No one deserves to be put through the roller coaster that is me. I want to be able to handle myself , even more independently than i already am, if thats even possible. I dont want to have to rely on someone else to make me happy. Im a kid, i cant expect to live my entire childhood waiting for some guy to pick me up, thats stupid. If i cant fix myself now, i might as well give up because the physical toll is unbearable. Every **** i take smells like dry erase markers! And i know its because im pumping more stress hormones than blood. I get chest cramps. I miss my period practically every month, and when i do very occasionally get it, i throw up, white out , and faint two days before because im so afraid of my own bodily functions i perceive every premenstrual symptom as a sign of death and panic myself into a bigger mess than im really in. I dont trust my own mind or body more than half the time. Ill know its anxiety but the pain will be so intense i will let myself believe its something else. Even when death seems 1000 times more desirable than living the next three minutes ( which is 98 percent of my life) and i sit there and take the pain and say, go ahead, ****ing kill me body, whatever you are , nothing happens. I just wind up breathing still, half an hour later and then remember a triggering thought, analyze it to fragments, and start all over again even if its rationalized. I want to sleep and nothing else at this point. I want my restlessness to be lifted. Is a guys company really going to change that? im doubtful. And if it doesnt, then what am i living for? I dont want to live in a concrete wasteland working for money to sit on. I want love, or sleep. Sleep right now, sounds better.
One thought on “ah, anxiety. im the apprehensive kid, thats never picked.”
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You play guitar, you write well, you care about the world…
I had an ex who absolutely did not believe in social activism. He said you change the world by example, by bringing joy to those around you. As an introvert and a depressive, I thought going to rallies sounded easier.
Still, I agree that some people make the world better just by being in it. Not popular people, or irrepressibly happy people; certainly not people who have never suffered or who judge the suffering of others. For me, it’s the thoughtful people (you, for example) who make the world worth living in.
I agree with you that a guy’s company will not solve your problems. Smart. But of course you’re human, so you get lonely; so if and when love happens (with a decent human being who is worthy of you) it happens, right? You deserve love, and if a guy finds your anxiety/emotions to be an unacceptable burden, that’s not a failure on your part. There _are_ guys with the intelligence and emotional capacity to be understanding and compassionate.
If you weren’t in pain, what would you do, what’s your dream? Or if you don’t have a specific dream, what makes you happy (even if it isn’t working right now)?
I try to be careful writing this, because I see that our situations are different, and I don’t want to presume anything, and make you feel more alone. I don’t know you, but I know what it’s like to want to give up and die. I’m 32 and I still feel that way sometimes; it washes over me and despite all my philosophies about life and reasons for living, it’s very real.
Who knows, maybe some day I will give in to it. But every time I _don’t_ act on it, the feeling passes, and I’m glad to have another chance to paint.
You said, “I cant afford to seek more help and im already well aware it will do nothing for me.” I understand that while you’re feeling like s*** you believe that. Can’t you afford to seek help? There are free and income-based programs; it takes work to research them and apply for them, but they are real things.
I had another ex who cut his hand and had to go to the ER. He b****ed for months about how the government was out to get him and he wouldn’t get any assistance for the bill, while the paperwork for assistance sat unfilled on the desk. Finally I made him fill it out and send it in, and he got 100% of his bill covered. So I’m not saying you’ll get everything free, I’m just saying show yourself some compassion and try. And the second part: Will it do anything for you? I know it doesn’t feel like it, but put your feelings out of it and be completely logical; you can’t know till you try.
Also check out the Thought Error Analysis form (an anxiety-management tool I use sometimes), if you haven’t already: <a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/anxiety-and-positive-thinking-and-choices/news/view/1478155" >http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/anxiety-and-positive-thinking-and-choices/news/view/1478155