Posted by retardgirl on 2013/09/09 under Uncategorized I cannot do it. Its coming too fast. This f***ing family reunion with people i dont want to be apart of who dont want to be a part of me. I cant i cant i cant i cant i cant. theres just now f***ing way. I know that im turning an event thats not even remotely about me, about me, there needs to be another option. Im a person too. A weekend, alienated, degraded and singled out around people that youre expected to love and be loved by that you truly could care less about. I know that the teenage ones will be on their phones. And that i, in my resentment for technology and armor, will deprive myself of stooping to such activities and literally sit on a bench staring at the sky while my brothers have fun with their male cousins and my father runs around thinking hes the s*** feeding his egotistic shell having a good time. I cant do it. I will be forced to resort to walking alone on the path of shame with my guitar and the entire family THINKING that im crying out for attention. But why? Why isnt there another way? Why isnt there another option. Why isnt there a person who can just put me out of my agonizing anticipation of an event i shouldnt have to endure? can NOBODY just sweep me off my feet and away from here? I really am going to be forced to give m dad the pleasure of holding my ugliest photograph and tossing my ashes out somewhere he thinks i love when i really dont because he doesnt even know me?Am i really going to let every member of my family give themselves another reason for self pity because i killed myself and they had no idea? they wished they couldve prayed for me? they wished they couldve kept me under their sweaty overbearing misunderstanding arms? Isnt there another way? Is no one gonna open a door for me and say ” here, im leting you out.” nobody? Am i not obvious enough? Is my constant camping in my room and the fact i never speak not enough for anyone to realize im not happy and im ready to die? is my blank stare and straight face not enough for anyone on earth to realize that this isnt where i want to be and the fact im not speaking, and i dont know, is a straight out call for help, not a push away? Do i need to hold a f***ing sign? Is this really not enough? Now its close to too late because the doors are closing and im actually expected to attend a reunion with a bunch of pricks. As motherf***ing if. HELL NO. its not happening. it just wont happen. Id rather have aids. Id rather be pregnant. Id rather have sheeba god smite me with lightning and send me to hell for eternity. The more i think about it, the more i cant wait for everyone to show up dressed in black with their fake ass selves putting on their stupid shows. I cant wait . I get to rest forever while you guys try to put together broken pieces just to have them shatter again later you f***ing idiots. GOOOOOOOOD somebody f***ing shoot me.
3 thoughts on “somebody help me.”
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I wish I could help u feel better. I thought my “family” situation was bad and I can’t find a way out either, but I do t know what to say except that some days are better than others, it’s just right now I’m not having a good one. I feel like my family is so selfish and is just clueless about how I must feel. How they can be so clueless I just don’t understand. I guess I better get better at making friends cause I’m not doing too well with family. I’m a survivor, but I’d like a life too. Yes I’d really like a life. My own wonderful life where I don’t have to worry about pleasing other people. That’s my advice, find something you love, do it, be happy in spite of them. Love and hugs to you, dear one.
thanks sunny. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to try and console someone with the same problems as you. it sucks ass.
You are very welcome. Sad and betrayed as I feel, I know it is not right, not fair to allow ourselves to be hurt by others who obviously are misguided or just plain messed up or they wouldn’t act this way. They just don’t have it in them to give us what we want or need. I am certain I will feel better and need their approval less. It’s just lonely right now. Be proud of you, you are the only you – you’ve got! Think of how brave it was to know that it isn’t your fault and that something’s wrong with them not you. I’m proud of knowing that separation, because that gives me hope. A spark of hope is so much better than despair. I wish you hope too. Thanks for talking with me. It helps.