Posted by retardgirl on 2013/09/09 under Uncategorized Im viewing life through eyelids that are at their lowest point of open before they can be considered closed. Im back in the most pessimistic low mindset i used to get after school, after seeing my mom, after talking to old friends. I cut all those things out of my life in hopes i would rebound into contentedness but i was wrong. My perspective is permanent. My isolation has just given me the time to analyze every part of civilized society in every viewpoint possible and ive permanently drawn my irrelevant conclusions. This isnt a life i want to be a part of. I am moving to the wild if i ever live long enough to claim my legal independence. On Friday is a concert for Alice in Chains, my first concert. Im not even a smidge excited and its not because im seeing it alone, but its because i have a looming event following it that i promised myself i would never live to see. Yesterday i attended a wedding. I was with every relative I have and somehow, i was still an outcast while surrounded by my own entire family. It was my first time seeing them with my renovated perspective and i could see through them. Family is a word to describe people connected by blood and relatives. Not people connected by love. Its narcissistic and dumb. Just because my long lost cousin ive only met twice is marrying your daughter doesnt mean im obligated to love you or put on my fakest most unconvincing smile and say ” hi nice to see you” . Everyone was fake. Fake. Fake. Even the bride and groom were artificial. Point is, even while in a room filled to the brim with “family” i found myself sitting alone. A year ago, my dad started planning a 2 day family reunion . I told myself , I am not going to live to see the day. I WILL kill myself before i have to endure an entire weekend of alienation like that. The only thing thats kept me going the entire duration of time between that day and today (which ive spent alone in my room between attending school twice a week) was the notion that soon , soon my guy would be coming to rescue me from my baggage. I figured, the only guy genuine enough to meet my ridiculous standards would have to be the one, and i would stay at his house during this reunion, or just bring him with me. But it never happened and now ive reached a dilemma. Suicide or desertion. Which really just means, obvious suicide or a suicide that looks like an accident because if i run away im just going to jump off a bridge anyway. I just cant go to that reunion. Ive wanted to kill myself forever anyway. The only thing is, i recognize how selfish it is to want to pull my family away from an event i know they are all looking forward too just because i so desperately dont want to go. But the way i see it, they all go there to feed their shells. They brag to eachother and feel gratified. Then they come back repeat it to me and themselves for what? I dont know, to glorify their egos. Its not me. I dont have an ego and i dont believe in feeding it. I just wont make it. I really would rather die than go. My only doubt is that, just possibly there is a guy out there who thinks like me and sees like me and by killing myself i would be robbing him and myself of the experience of having a person to sulk with. But what can i really do?