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Posted by on 2010/12/10 under Uncategorized

i think i thunk that i thought i knew… but really… i thought i think that i thunk i thought…. wait thats not right either… i thank i think i thought a thought but i really thought a thought i think i thunk…. hmm… maybe i thought a thought that i thank i thought cuz i like to think i thought that very same thought…

anyways onto the real thought… i think…

my life has turned into a living hell… my dads slowly dieing and im slowly decenegrating from the inside out because of this… i lash out at everyone… no one wants to talk about it though… but i dont blame them just like im thinkabout my self… its human nature… i cant sleep at night im always up wondering if tonights the night he dies… i cant imagin how he feels… he is contantly asleep.. when he goes i hope he goes in peace with little pain… althought his whole life has been a pain… i used to annoy him all the time… whos to say he doesnt regret me… idk im just talking dumb now… my boyfriend… well i guess we broke up today… never really cared… he just used me… now he is dateing my ex-best friend… wow i can tell he cared… 1 day to get over me… and for my best freind at that… the person i thought cared… the one person i thought i could tell anything or turn to… but she doesnt care either its obvious… otherwise she woulda said no… i loved him… so much… but now he is just another dead person to me… just like my dad… and me… ive been walking through life blind… i dont know where im going… i droped out of highschool this year… all i do now is sit and wait…. what am i waiting for?… an end… an end to all sufforing… and end to all pain… an end to war… an end to religon… an end.. to me… i lie here awake to night… wishing i was dead… hell… i lie here awake everynight… wishing it would end… or it would all go back to normal… i guess this is normal now… but it used to be diffrent… my dad used to be able to do things… he used to care… or so it seemed… maybe he was just acting… cuz im a mistake with no mother… i remeber her… she;s the one that beat me then ran out… sometimes i wish she was back… maybe you would be happy again dad… ever since she left you seem so sad… but maybe thats because you’re dieing… maybe cuz of the pain… i ese your eyes every day… i can see the pain… even the meds dont hepy your pain… as for my pain… i cant find anything to take it away… ive tried drugs… ive tired alcohol… but it just comes back… the only thing that will take away this pain now… is the pain of my own death… when i die… i want it to be as painful as possible… then maybe this pain will seem like it was nothing… but its not nothing… its eating me alive… i dont know how much longer i can survive… i need help… and bad… but no one i know wants to talk about it… and we dont have the money for a professional… i guess no one cares if little ol’ me was to never see the light again… i guess i dont care either… so i cant be mad… but even if we had the money… i couldnt tell you how i felt… so i would never end up infront of a quack… some doctor that says itll be alright… but in the end me and you both know… it wont be… you will still die… wars will still go… people will still stab others in the back… people will only ever care about themselves… i guess im a hypocrit… cuz this thought seems to be about me… about how bad i have it… about how sad i am… but im sure out there some where… theres someone worse off… there always is… its a never ending chain of s***… and that is why i cant belive in god… if there is a god why does everything bad happen… why do millions die each day… why do people feel so much physical and mental pain… if there is a god… he doesnt care… otherwise everyone that died wouldnt feel a thing… wouldnt suffer… people wouldnt have to live in allys, on streets or in a car… everyone would have a house or aparentment or means for shelter… other then a box… or a cloth that is… i dont know.. i never will… i cant wait.. for it all to end…

thanks for reading if you read this far… i know… my life is f***ed up… but pray no more… i think it ends… on this night…

One thought on “

  1. Here to listen says:

    Please don’t leave.

    Please.

    There are people who care.

    Don’t leave them.

    Have hope.

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