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Posted by on 2013/02/01 under Uncategorized

In High school, I was that guy that was always friends with everyone. I knew nearly everyone and was considered to be a pretty funny guy. Everything was pretty much easy for me, until I realized that I was in love with my best friend. Who is also a guy. Now I had never had these feelings towards a guy before, but I never had any sort of self-loathing, instead I just accepted it. As high school went on both me and him sort of immersed ourselves in eachother’s lives. All the same friends, and never really separate. When he left for college I was fine, because we had already planned to go to the same school. He visited often and I also visited him. I met many of his friends. We planned on living together in my second year. However a month or so after my arrival to college, we both rushed for fraternities. We decided on separate ones. Soon after, I realized that greek life really wasn;t for me (had nothing against it, just didn’t have much interest in the activities), while he decided to stay in his. Now, a year and a half later, I’ve only met a handful of friends (which as I said earlier is the opposite of how I normally am) while he is busy with the rest of his life. I hold no resentment and am very happy for him, but I feel so lonely sometimes. As I said, I do have some friends but not like I should have.. I immersed myself in work, and got a very good job. But i still feel this loneliness in my soul. I haven’t dated anyone since high school. I just want to know what the hell has happened to my head? Is this what love does to someone or am I just crazy?
Me and my friend still see each other a few times a week, but things have definitely changed. Sometimes I even feel like its a sort of obligation he feels. I feel like I have ruined my life sometimes, I should be meeting tons of people, and dating, but instead I’m stuck in this rut. Sometimes I feel like I should get the hell out of this whole state after college (I only moved a few hours away from home) and go to Chicago or New York or some big city, or just see the world. With the profession I am working towards, I should have job opportunities in most parts of the country and even world. However, when I think about it more, part of me is scared. Will whatever is holding me back here, hold me back there? Will I get out of here just to isolate myself more than I already have? Sometimes my future seems bright, but in a lot of ways it feels dark. Will I be alone forever? I just want to meet someone who Understands. I know there are worse problems in the world, but sometimes I fear I’m going to spend most of my life alone.

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