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Posted by on 2013/01/03 under Uncategorized

I haven’t felt happiness in a long time…and I will admit that I miss the feeling. Ever since I was diagnosed with both severe depression and an EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specialized)life has been harder and more complicated than it has been in the past. This isn’t going to turn into a long ramble on my depression though, I want to write about a time that seems far from where I felt free, when I felt not happy but reached a state of zen that I haven’t hit again since a recent concert I attended.

It had been a long night to end a hot, summer, day. If I remember right it was a bad day for me (eating disorder stuff, I won’t get into this) and now after a big blowout over eating at dinner my parents were screaming at one another. This chilled me right down to the bone. My parents had always been happily married and while every once in awhile they would have the occasional debate I had never seen it come out as a full out screaming match. It ended with a slam of the door and my mom leaving out the door to vanish into the chilly, summer, rain. My sister was crying in the other room and I myself was tearing at the seams.
Before we continue we need to understand that my parents were pretty strict and barely let me go out during the summer let alone just take off like I was about to do. So naturally I grabbed my coat, opened the door, and told my dad that I was going out to find mom. Everything felt surreal after that. Every stride I took with my legs and every pump of my arms made me feel less and less…and the rain? That was something else. I ran for a long time until my dad pulled up to the park that I had nested at and found me alone, sitting on a bench and staring at the rain pouring down.

We found my mom in the end, and we are all sitting in the same room perfectly satisfied as I type this. At the time? Not so much. I was grounded for weeks after that little incident but I don’t, and won’t ever regret taking those bounds of fate out the door….and I hope that one day you will find the chance to take them for yourself.

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