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Posted by on 2012/12/29 under Uncategorized

I want to be honest and say that I feel lonely. I wake up every morning and follow the same routine, thinking that maybe today is the day that I am going to find love. Yes! Love. I want to fall in love and have someone love me in return, I have been waiting for such a day. The day I meet a guy that won’t be afraid to call me his boyfriend. It seems I am only capable of pulling in no strings attached, isn’t it funny how only they attach to me. The first guy I fell for did not love me back and he broke my heart. It seems I was going in circles, nonetheless I thought we could really be something together. Now we are friends, yet every time I see him I can’t help but think, what if? What if he would have allowed me to love him? To welcome him into my open arms, but love is not a one way street you know. His presence has made itself at home in my heart and I can’t shake him out, can’t he understand the terms of agreement did not include him making an indefinite stay in my heart?
And now I really messed up, endangering a friendship I do not want to lose. He has been my friend and confidant, yet I feel that it is not the same anymore, because maybe it can’t be the same. We have crossed the boundaries, me thinking I could love him and him… Well I do not know. Yet, we will be fine, but I know we can’t keep doing this anymore either. We shouldn’t, we cant. He was one of the first friends i ever really had, who made me feel comfortable in my own skin, who made me realize, I can be this person who today I am. I love you, but I guess not they I wish I could.
My mentor told me to go out and mingle, and I guess that is what I should do, but not mingle, but close off my heart. Think that I am unable to love or that I am unfit to do such a thing. I have often said that I am a patient human being…but how long can I really wait? How long…how long? I don’t know. But tomorrow I am going to wake up once more but loving the world in a different way. With my arms open wide to receive all the good things the world has to offer to me. I am going to wake up with my head clear and a new definition of me. Even if it pains me, I am going to love but not love at the same time. I am going to accept. Love accepting and accept love. I guess, even if my partner is not by my side, I can wait. I can wait and learn to love myself, who I am, what I can do, and who I can become. I am going to love, love the possibilities.

3 thoughts on “Some Thoughts

  1. Anonymous says:

    thanks for the inspiration

  2. Blue says:

    Virtual hug please.

    1. Jose says:

      damayantigaaru mee katha chaalaa badugnai .kathaanaayakuDi kalalaagea mamalni kooDaa vennelalO viharimpacheastoo oka oohaa lOkamlOki teesuku pOindi mee katha.konni kalalu ennO saarlu repeat autunTaayi .daanitO aa kalalOni jeevitamea nijamaa leka jeevitamea kalaa ani viSleashinchaTam asaadhyamanipistunTundi alaagaea hero jeevitam kalalaagea karigipOvatam baadhaakaramgaa anipinchindi .

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