Posted by Anonymous on 2012/11/29 under Uncategorized I don’t care if this is a site to catch depressed people to find hem and put them through theropy. I don’t care if you find my ip address and try and get me to change my mind. See this is not a suicide note, nor do I want to commit it. Some would say I am giving all the signals for it but i am not. I am just trapped inside myself and am looking for a way out. my mind races at top speed and everything is in there. I am constantly haunted by it’s pictures, memories, and thoughts, yet to earse them, would to be to earse all the great things too. I feel like I want to die then, my emotions won’t be so up and down, I won’t look like a depressed idiot every 2nd day, which really confuses my friends. I just want to go home. Well I mean heaven, but I don’t want to get there by suicide, although I doubt that gains points to God. I want a happy life and heaven seems to spell that out. I want a world where the past doesn’t constantly creep up on me and taunt me. I want too much, it’s complicated. I want to shout, really shout, i want to express my angry and let it all out, I want to share and be kind, yet my selfish side want to hoard. I want evryone to be happy and all the stinking drama in this world to die away. Is wanting a better life to much to ask for. Is craving for something right, wrong in today’s society. is wishing to breathe in this suffercating place a want and not a need. How do I flippin’ tell you what is in my mind when I am always second guessing myself, how can I open up to the ones I love because I am so scared of being judge, when i do it all the time to myself. How and I suppose to get rid of fear, when fear is the one thing that many times keeps doing the right thing. How do I get rid of selfishness, when selfishness is my new self esteem. Yet, when I was more giving I had no self esteem. How can I fight for whatt is right when I have a hard time fighting against myself. How can i really pray when i don’t know what to say. How can I want to dream, when that’s what is we ever seem to be is just a dream. How can I want to live if I am going through all of this and see no way out. i believe in God, but I feel like i am constantly hurting Him, I feel like I keep letting Him down. One person said to me, “You can never let God down becasue he already knows your going to make the mistakes you make. Everyone has a weakness, and therefore your prone to mess up. God wouldn’t be God if He knew you would mess up with the things you are struggling with, and then punished you because of it. the most God does is comfort you and tell you not to beat yourself up. He’ll ask you what you want and if you want to kick it, then he’ll put lesson in your way to help you stop, quit, and/or lessen those things.” For awhile this advice helped but I can’t control how I feel. God I am so sorry, i know you not mad at me, but I can’t help being a perfectionist. Now look, i have wasted my time talking about my feelings and I have my homework to do. way to go idiot, not like your behind already.