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Posted by on 2014/12/19 under Uncategorized

I posted this originally as anonymous so…

I have been listening to ‘just a little bit of your heart’ by Ariana Grande for the past 2 days non-stop and I literally want to cry. I really like this guy(I know it’s silly) and he and I are fairly good friends even though he knows. I guess you could say. anyway people haven’t got a clue how much I do truly care about and for him. I have spent the past 10 minutes figuring out what to do, whether I should talk to him normally or just not, I have been trying to not cry for and hour and I feel completely helpless. I feel horrible. I can’t put it in words how much he has made me feel when I wished I wouldn’t feel anything. he makes me smile when I want to cry. he has been the reason I even bother with most things. now you’re probably wondering; “why don’t you just tell him all of this, you guys seem to have a fairly close friendship?” I need to put this out there that as far as I know he still likes another girl, they were together for a small amount of time, I think about a week, before she broke up with him because she didn’t want a relationship. he was a little upset about this obviously. She text him a few weeks later saying that she felt like he didn’t care anymore for her than he does for any other girl, that she’s just one of many. which when he told me and another friend he made pretty clear isn’t true in any way and wished that she’d see that. obviously this hurt me a fair bit. I also need to let you know that I have am and always have been someone who doesn’t like to put themselves and their own happiness first as I’d rather someone else be happy than me. what he doesn’t see is that every time he smiles that’s why I smile, that when he gives me ‘electric shocks’ form pinching my waist the feeling never leaves, that when he traced patterns on my thigh the night of the Christmas carols with a glow stick that those patterns forever remain imprinted there, that when he hugs me I wished he’d never let me go, that every time I see a quote on instagram about couples and how they will never ever leave each other, I always wish that he and I were together, that I wish he and I could watch Disney movies laying on the couch cuddled up without a care in the world, that when he got annoyed at me because he couldn’t find me at the fair, made me smile and blush for days, that I care about him way too much than I should, that even though I don’t believe in teenage love, I feel like if I don’t stop myself I will end up loving him only for me to get hurt, that when he tells me i’m beautiful or pretty or anything like that I think he’s lying even though it makes my heart flutter and my stomach get butterflies. I have been wanting to talk to him for the past 2 days but have stopped myself because I feel like I need to detach myself from him before I get hurt, even though it kills me every time I see his name, every time I close my eyes I see him, when I want to escape this hell I’ve created for myself with him that my escape has been flooded by him in my dreams. i wish i was his and that i could be lucky enough to be able to call him mine. that i could hug him whenever i want to, but i can’t and it kills. he doesn’t realise that I’ve written over 600 words about him here, but he’ll never know this or all the other things i could write. he doesn’t realise how much i hate him for making me feel emotions other than blank. he doesn’t realise i love him. I may not be IN love, but i love him

2 thoughts on “Memories

  1. kelseeywelseey says:

    Honey sometimes chances are all you’ve got. If you think his friendship is more valueable than a relationship, then stick to being his friend because maybe he really needs someone like you in his life, and who knows. sometime down the road he may see you differently if he doesnt already now. My best friend was in love with me the same time i was in love with him and we both didnt know that until we reconnected after 4 months of a break and we were completely honest with each other, and now we’re saying we’ll probably end up together in the future. I’m not even s***ting you. Just see where things go, dont be afraid to talk to him, because it clearly seems he cares about you and wants to talk to you. Dont let him go because who knows what the future will bring 🙂

    1. madzlove13 says:

      thank you so much 🙂

      I hope everything with your best friend goes well and you do end up together. your advice really helped. 🙂

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