Posted by Anonymous on 2018/04/10 under Life Figured I’d write since I am bored and my girlfriend is asleep. I sit in my house which is under construction. I have done what I thought was right for most of my life. I have realized my drinking has caused many problems not just for me but for many around me. To fix it I don’t drink as much. I have lost all want/need for intimacy. I enjoy talking to people but many of the things I have been thru in my life I can’t even write here due to expectation of people appearing from nowhere stopping me from actually sharing. I’d like to share but I am guarded by promises and this irrational fear. There are many things people don’t know about me and will never find out. I will not tell even with threat of death. Death is already here. People ask about suicidal thoughts. No, I don’t have any due to the feeling that I am already dead. I have my house. I have my business. I exist but, I am dead. I am good at many things and get praise for these things but I also have the fear of failure. The fear of failure is another irrational fear. I wait for life to end. This waiting allows for me to be much more observant to my surroundings hoping for a glimpse of when and how I can leave this body and find the last important thing I need/want to know. That is what happens, is there a spirit or does it all just go black? Do I move to an unwakeable dream? I sleep like everyone else, well, maybe less than them. I fix things that's what I do. I have seen many places. I have done many things. A person once asked me what I want in life. The only answer I had was milk a cow. That person took me to a farm and I did it. I don’t have a reason to want anything. I am as content alone as with others. I try hard at work and life not because its something I want. But because it is something others want of me. Sex is irrelevant to me (a waste of time) it is another bodily function. I've had a child, my genes will continue in this existence hopefully many years after I am gone. But I probably won’t ever meet her. She was a product of my drinking so maybe some would call her a mistake too. I have tried to raise kids before but my lack of sexual interest has had mothers take the ability to teach them taken from me. I know other people make decisions that affect me as I make decisions that affect others. I don’t know If I can love. I do know I can hate. People think it’s weird that my cat can sit on my lap and I enjoy her company but if she died..I just bury her of burn her body in a funeral pyre cause maybe that is what she would want. I know when I die I’d rather be burned to make sure that my “spirit”, “soul”, me isn’t trapped in the decomposing husk my body will become. This seems like rambling do to word vomit style of writing. This is the thoughts as I think them. My brain seems to work differently from others. I cannot seem to feel. Once in a while I will cry when sad or a tv show hits a nerve. It is uncontrollable for me. There will be a lack of punctuation and spacing cause this is how I write. Cigarette. I say I love people, but do I even know what that is? The only evidence it exists is tv and movies, maybe even some video games (really just movies with the illusion of choice). What is love? All those I have loved have left me. As I write I am worried my girlfriend will see this and think she did something wrong. She didn’t this is just how I am. I know she wants more but I don’t think I have that ability. I would like to but nothing every time I try. I like her and her kids. I’d like to help them succeed in what they want to do in life. I will marry her to make her happy. But will it make me happy? I doubt it..not because we don’t get along (we do), not because I don’t care for her (I do), but because I don’t believe I will ever be happy in this existence..I have tried for so long. I am to the point I know I won’t be happy, but that shouldn’t stop me from trying to make others happy. That seems to be my purpose that seems to be why I am here. I wonder if someone will find this after I am gone or if it will disappear like everything else I put into this existence. Friends have died, some not knowing they made me happy for a while. But it always fades. Lovers have died without me really loving them just lip service to get intimacy or in most cases so they think love may exist. Similarly lovers and friends have come and went believing I am something I have never been. Some still reach out and see where I am now and don’t really know how to deal then leave again. I do enjoy the company of others. But life has it’s ways of destroying what once was. Close friends have betrayed me. I forgive them and end up more and more broken. Yep I guess that’s what I am broken. At this point I don’t think I can ever be fixed. Lots of words here 964. this is the most I have written in a long time if ever just for me. I am not sad, I am not depressed but, bored waiting for something else. How many before me felt this way? How many after me will feel like this? I watch the news and things frighten me on how easily others that may feel this way move to playing games with people and their ideas of how life is supposed to be. The current status quo is not what it was only 30 or even 10 years ago. People that claim to do things will condemn others for doing the same as they do. Who decides what is hate speech? Why is hate toward one person’s ideas a reason to kill each other? All the lines have become blurry these days between good and evil. Why is it racist for a white guy to say certain things to other races but, if the role is reversed and the exact same words are used it is empowering? Why if a woman on national television forcibly kisses a man (or boy) no charges are brought against them and society thinks it is OK, but if a man does the same thing it is considered indecent? Society is screwed up? Or are we just all bored trying to fill time and make things to complain about. What is so wrong with letting automation take menial jobs that most humans don’t want? Why not expect humans to evolve beyond menial tasks? Why is it that hard physically demanding jobs make less than someone sitting at a desk making decisions for those people. But if a person in that “lower” level of society sits just as long they are lazy. Why if someone from that “higher” level of society decided to work a hard “menial” job they are punished into reducing their societal level? We all have things backward from what people say we should be. I have heard to have each other both need to exist. Why is the balance so uneven? The only thing I can think is we all let it be and just go with it. I’m gonna look for a random site to share this to. Maybe, just maybe someone will see it and feel the same way. But also realize we will never meet we will never talk. We will never know there are others just like me. Anonymous guy just word vomiting