I’ve been depressed / anxious since I was really young, going through mood swings and doctors stupidly giving high doses of medication to a skinny child (i’d later prove to be intolerant to pretty much all meds). I was bullied, there were many family deaths which I took really hard, these meds caused me to develop phobias that ruined my sleep patterns and my life. To this day I’m in excruciating mental and emotional pain/discomfort. The only relief that I get is from art and music.
Everything is so vivid and trippy and terrifying and I’m always hurting. I googled “seemingly untreatable mental illness” today to see if there was anyone out there feeling the same thing or receiving some kind of alternative treatment that caused a breakthrough for them. Right from the get-go, the first articles were about consensual doctor-assisted euthanasia for the mentally ill. I don’t wanna die. This can’t be the only answer. There has to be something else.
I’ve only experienced depression at a lower level so I don’t want to come across like I know what you’re going through… BUT, the most relieving thing, the most soothing, and peaceful I ever felt was when I decided to travel. I know it sounds silly, but being away and in a very new place gave me hope to alter bad patterns, to meet new people, try to redefine my life. I stayed in Barcelona for 4 months and it helped me. Yes it was expensive – I had to take out a loan to do it. But I would do it again. I found that I trained myself to take care of myself (which I had neglected), I was no longer having suicidal thoughts, I was painting again, reading, I was ACTUALLY leaving my apartment to explore. When I went back home I ended the toxic relationship I was in, I redefined my toxic relationship with my mother, I applied to go to school and all that – it gave me focus. It may not be the answer for you, but travelling might help give you new perspective, maybe new memories, new hope or it helped me find purpose, which helped dampen my depression. It’s not fully gone, but it’s easier to get myself out of those old, dark patterns when I have priorities that give me hope.
I hope that’s something useful for you – best of luck 🙂
Travelling does help. I feel the most okay when I’m touring. When my mind’s on where my next meal’s coming from and what exit we need to take, staking out my place to sleep for the night, I’m pretty alright. Right now I’m unable to work though and I’m applying for disability. I’m only 21 and living with my parents so I don’t know how much I’ll get but I’m trying anyway.
Unfortunately, there isn’t anyone that has done that and can tell you how it was. Oh, Hi, um, almost everyone is going to tell you not to do that. I am sure if you dug enough you could find others thinking about that. I kinda understand due to some life happenings of my own. It is definately something I myself would think through thoroughly for many hours. I would have to paint a mind picture of every scenario, each person I know and how will this affect them, family, all them folks. People rarely talk about death. Hell nobody talks about it. It should be talked about more cuz it’s the one thing that is bound to happen on this plane. Our vehicles just go kaput, quit runnin’. So, I do hope you find some way to touch as many people with love as you can for as long as you are here with us. We will still be here. Until we are not here. Maybe some day in a strange land I will sit down to have coffee, you will walk up, sit down and start talking to me about death and dying? We will laugh deep laughs and have a happy moment. We never know and that’s enough to keep me here a bit longer. K.C.
Hi again, keep painting, keep creating. It is praying.