Posted by Anonymous on 2016/07/09 under Uncategorized Not only do I find myself wanting them, but if I am attracted to them already then it is almost impossible. If I am only attracted to them some, or a little bit, then it is difficult. I want to play the line between romantic and platonic as long as possible, dreading the moment when I have to reject them. When I have to say no. When I know we couldn’t be together forever. When did I start only wanting that? Either myself, or the person for the next 50 years. No doubts, no… well, that’s another line of thinking. If I am not attracted to them at all then it is easy, and I can be pretty upfront about that when I need to. I’m not sure why, if I am attracted to someone, I am so certain that I need to find it “almost impossible” to say no. Does that mean I want to say no? I guess lately since my last breakup, I’ve wanted to be on my own but always lonely. Now I’m learning that I’m not lonely. If you can’t change other people, does that mean you can’t change yourself. I guess you can’t change who you are, but you can change how you behave. Perhaps it means I know I am not ready, but I am still tempted to act on feelings. It certainly didn’t work out last time, and I’m fortunate that I am not trapped in a situation like seeing them everyday, or being pregnant. I’m also aware now of how much I alter what I feel for what they feel, or what I assume they feel. I couldn’t stand it with her too. I hope she understands that. I would do it with anyone until I find myself I think. Or until I want to put myself first, and am aware of my thoughts, feelings, motives, past hurts. If I really want them in the future, I will be with them. But right now, I’m having trouble taking care of myself. Today I found that I no longer cared as much if I was “turning into a bad person.” As if I was becoming someone else, or was afraid to become someone I didn’t like. But I don’t think I’m becoming someone else, I think I’m becoming aware. If I am a mean person, then I’ll just have to settle for that. Denial is a great risk to body and mind. But that’s the thing. I don’t feel mean or selfish most of the time. The biggest reason I feel selfish is because I feel angry when I let others get more than they give. I feel that I am being selfish when I am angry. Perhaps it is because I have known many friends who felt I shouldn’t. Perhaps I never loved myself enough to be ok with any feeling I have.