Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2015/03/29 under Uncategorized

I’m not quite sure why I’m typing this because I know I won’t’ save it. I know I feel better when I write things out, but I don’t feel like doing that right now, so I’m going to type it out.
I want to live. What I’m doing right now is not living. I stay at home on weekends and weekdays. The only place I really go is school, and I feel more out of place there. Because I was always angry and depressed throughout 9th and 10th grade, I didn’t talk to anyone. Last year I was aware that I was mostly alone, but chose not to dwell on it because I had a place to sit at lunch and teacher and classes that I really enjoyed. This year I have none of that. I go to the library every lunch where I get strange looks and, even among people that are more similar to me than the rest of the school, I still feel out of place. I don’t even like school anymore. At least when I’m at home I can stay in my room and don’t have to face people. I’m not saying that I don’t like to be around people, but people (at least at the high school) are mean and judging and make me feel uncomfortable and upset. I actually wish more people would talk to me, but when people are alone it makes them more difficult to approach and I know very few brave people at that school. The only people that talk to me are people I’m not very fond of in the first place.
I know that he’s just posting things, but all of Will’s (Darbyshire) posts about depression have made me realize how depressed I actually am. I know that I have been since 9th grade, although the situation since then has gotten MUCH better, but his posts are just really making me think about it. I thought about it before, but not as much. I do daydream and think about things a lot, probably too much, but they are making me think about it a lot more.
Also, I’ve been questioning my sexuality lately. There is one person in particular that I’ve taken quite an interest in. I just started having these thoughts in the past few months, but I realized about a week or two ago that I’ve been looking at all women like this. I’ll catch myself doing it, because I don’t even realize it. I haven’t yet found anyone that I’ve taken an interest in quite as much as the first person, but that could change. In fact, I know it will. After school is over, I probably won’t ever see her again. I guess I’m okay with that. I haven’t attempted to talk to her, the only person I can blame is myself. I really wish I would’ve talked to more people this year. I know that it’s my fault. I would like to think that if I saw someone on their own all the time I would talk to them, but I know I wouldn’t. I’m too concerned with what ifs. What if they don’t want to talk to me? Is my most frequent. I always think people don’t want to talk to me. I really want to talk to that other kid too, but I know I never will. I have a problem with approaching people. What could I say? After I’ve said hi or hello they say something to the same effect and then I have to come up with something else. It’s just not easy because I think about things too much and after I’ve thought about it forever I’ve thought about all the benefits and problems with it I almost always decide the problems outweigh the benefits. They usually don’t, but because there are more things that could go wrong than things that could go right I always choose not to do it.
I started writing this because I got in an argument. I don’t have any plans for my future. I don’t think I’m in a position in my life to start making major changes to it. I don’t know what I want to do later in life, I don’t know where I want to go, I don’t know much. Every time I get hands on experience with something (Childcare, nursing) or attempt it (writing, drawing) I either don’t like it or I’m really bad it. I think I would like to help people, but I don’t to do anything medical and I don’t see how I could find a job that pays to do that.
I know I don’t want to live in _______. I don’t know if I even want stay in America. If I ever moved out of country I’d probably move to the UK. One: I love it. Two: I’m too lazy to learn a new language. I don’t even see the point of typing anymore. I do feel less upset and angry, but now I just feel upset about my situation. I know it’s not an awful position to be and I feel bad about complaining about it, but it’s not the situation I want. I want to be able to do things and get things and not feel bad about it. I almost didn’t take the AP test (Psychology) because I felt bad about taking money. I almost always feel that way though. I hate to have people have to pay for me. No matter who it is. I’d just rather pay for things on my own. I don’t know if I’m not taking the English one because I think I’ll fail or because I don’t want to have to ask for them to pay for it. This is all over the place. I don’t there was any main point in this. I’m just throwing out random emotions because I have no one to express them to. Ivan and I talk about more serious things, but I never talk about anything personal with him. I certainly wouldn’t talk about it with Adam. I’m so nervous that they’ll stop talking to me that I almost act fake, how I think they’ll want me to act. I feel more connected to characters in a book then I feel connected to the people I see and interact (rare) with every day. I think new surroundings will change everything, but will it? I’ll still be the same person and even though people don’t know that person very well, it’s not like they like that person very much. Most people are indifferent towards me; at least that’s what I think that they think. Either that or they completely dislike me. There is no way that anyone likes me very much. I could be completely wrong about this because we can only know what a person is thinking if they tell us, but even though I hate this phrase so much, actions speak louder than words. I know so much about other people, but they mostly know nothing about me. They’ve probably made a few assumptions. I’m not shy, but I do hate small talk and that is how a typical conversation starts. I instantly become disinterested. I love talking about things I that I’m passionate about, things that I’m interested in, things that have happened to me and other, I love stories, but people don’t random come up to people and start talking to them on an average day. I am an introvert, so I do need to “recharge” and be alone sometimes, but I don’t like being alone all the time. I’d actually prefer to be around people. It’s not fun to be alone all the time and even when I’m in a crowd, like at school, I feel alone most of the time. Most people have at least one person that they can talk to and tell everything to, but I don’t have that. I resort to notebooks and computer screens. By the way, they don’t respond and make me feel any better. I don’t even know what the point of this is. No one else will ever see it. I could never say most of these things out loud. I just write them and type them because I’m too afraid to do that. I’m so tired of not saying what I want to and keeping quiet. I know I could easily change this, but every time I convince myself I will, I stop myself. I never speak my mind. I suck. I guess I’ll end with that.
I just had the thought that I should print this out and give it to certain people, but I know I’m not brave enough to do that. I would never stop thinking about it. It would constantly be on my mind. Right now I want to be alone in the house, but I want to get out and do something. I would love to go to the park or something, but the only park here is awful. I wish I lived somewhere that I could walk places and get there in a reasonable amount of time. I guess I wasn’t done. I am now.

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