Posted by Anonymous on 2014/11/23 under Uncategorized Why is it easier to write to strangers than it is to find a friend and tell them how lonely you are? I’m generally a happy person but this week I saw a guy I like with his girlfriend and I’ve been in a funk ever since. I’m trying to do everything to stay in a good mood but I really just want to sit on the couch with some ice cream and a chick flick crying my eyes out. When I was younger I would write in my diary but is that normal for someone over the age of 16? So here I am after doing a google search for a place to write. I’m currently unemployed and while I’m sure I’ll get a job after the holidays in the meantime I want to do something with my life. I want to write. I have a lot of ideas and they used to flow so well but this week nothing. I also don’t have any training so I’m at a loss of how to put what is in my head onto a computer screen. Hopefully this will help me. If I just release the ghost then maybe the words will come back to me. It will definitely save me some pounds. It’s Saturday night, I’m alone and so here goes nothing…. Where did I go wrong? Should I continue to follow you or should I finally let you go? Weird-that’s how I’ve been described since childhood. Why is it “weird” to not follow the pack? Why is it “weird” to like things that no one else likes? Why haven’t I been able to escape that word??? I suppose it’s because I’m writing my thoughts on the internet. Sorry if I offended you but now that I’m here I feel even worse about myself because I’m not brave enough or trusting enough to talk to my friends about this and am instead here. I’m not normal. Never have been. Never understood why not? There must be some wonderfully weird people out there like me. There must be a way to make weird the new normal. Why is there even a word called normal? Why is that a standard? It’s silly to put my personality in such a category. Weird. I don’t know why it hurts to be described that way especially since it’s nothing new but to hear it still at this age sucks even more than when I heard it as a child/teen/young adult. Well, there it is. I probably would have been fine seeing him with his girlfriend if the word “weird” had never come up. I realize now that it’s a trigger word for me. A word that has followed me through to adulthood. The tears are falling now. Will they wash away the emotion? Will they make it easier to lock down this feeling of defeat? Will they cleanse my heart and restart my mood? Take a deep breath. Let go of all thought. Here’s something I’ve never told anyone. When I was young I used to cry myself to sleep and tell myself to be “normal” at school the next day like the other girls. Funnily enough I was never bullied and I did hang with the popular crowd but I don’t know why. I’m not cute, I’m smart and funny but I was never like them yet I ate lunch with them. Walked to school with them. Hung out at the games with them or at a party with them. But I was still so different that I felt it so strongly enough to try to change myself on a daily basis. Most people try to fit in when they are on the outside but I wasn’t on the outside and yet I felt like I was on the outside. So then it is me. Don’t get me wrong. Kids did call me weird but it was never malicious or maybe I was too dumb to take it that way. Maybe this will help if I explain more of what actually happened. I have a crush on a rock star. He’s someone in a band that I’ve been following around since college but have loved the music since high school. I used to follow bands around and hang out with the band. The band members would let me hang because I was there with my friend who is very pretty. Well, this particular band member let me hang because for some odd reason he thinks I’m a cool fan. I have fans that want to hang with me because they know I have an ‘in’ with the band. So I stupidly developed feelings for this band member because he’s the first band member that let me hang for me and not because of my pretty friend. Which leads to this week. I went to see his band perform and afterward I told him my thoughts on his new album and which song was my favorite. His answer was “you would”[like that song]. When I questioned why he said that his response was because that particular song is “heady and weird”. That right there is why I am here today. The rest of my week has been consumed with those three words. The girlfriend part doesn’t bother me as much as those three words. It’s funny, right? I’m making it personal when I shouldn’t, right? I’m not weird, the song is. Ugh, I’m a lot of things. YET the only word I can remember ever being used to describe me is “weird”. Here we go….Let it GO!!! Move on!! Is there a handbook that helps people let go of thoughts, feelings, and/or emotions?? They are just words and I need to stop dwelling on them. It’s so easy to just write that or say that to someone even to yourself? It’s just so hard to actually accomplish it. Writing these words down now is definitely making me feel better. I apologize if my words are all over the place. I just started writing and this is where it has lead me. I think that I can let it go. The crush was silly and childish and I know it was always one-sided and never leading anywhere. But it symbolizes every relationship I’ve ever had. They all have always been one-sided. At this place in my life, I’ve learned to just ride it out until the feelings go away because I know they’ll never be reciprocated. I’m just not anyone someone would want. Once you hit a certain age and it never happens it’s best to just face the reality that it won’t. It just sucks to want it to happen. Temporary lapse. I’m pretty good at suppressing my feelings. However, when I’m alone they sometimes come out to haunt me. That’s why I try to never be alone. If I’m around people I can put on the front that I’m happy with the way my life is. It’s only when I’m alone that I can’t hide from myself. Thank you for reading/listening. I’ve already started locking away my feelings. Being numb is better. It hurts less. I hate hurting. I hate thinking. I just need an outlet for when I do start feeling. I understand why some turn to alcohol or drugs. I have an easier solution that just involves a complete cleanse of all thoughts surrounding him. I can’t listen to his music. I can’t listen to music that reminds me of him. I stay away from anything that reminds me of him. And when his band is in town again I should be good to go. As for my trigger word, I don’t know what to do about it. Can a person change the stars? In my experience, no they can’t change the stars but they can avoid looking at them altogether…
I don’t need you to care because honestly if you did it would be harder to walk away.
What is wrong with me? Why am I the only one that can’t seem to find the one.
Who the F cares about the one? It’s such a stupid thought. Is it really necessary to pair everyone up like the animals on Noah’s Ark? Is my life really not complete without him? Without anyone? Do my friends really not count?
Ugh, this is my mother’s fault. This is my fault. This is God’s fault. No, this is definitely my fault.
Take a deep breath. Let go of all thought. How did I go this long this way? Why is it so hard to change? Why is it so hard to stay the same?
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I like it, not for the words, but the emotion. Feelings can come out just as powerful as the words, and no, it’s not weird, just true. Simple as that. But I have to admit, so much easier to talk to strangers. The moment you even think about opening up to friends or acquaintances, they just let you down. Gets a little heavy sometimes.