Posted by Anonymous on 2016/05/25 under Friends I used to cry so much because of my friends, being the second best, fate always separating only me from them in all our classes so they were all together while I was alone. Being disappointed so much since most kept ignoring and leaving me behind which I could never do cause I’ve been there before and still am so I didn’t want them to feel lonely too. I’m happy for them to be close with each other because I don’t want anyone to feel lonely. And now I feel like I’m ‘growing’ up you can say, I’m starting to question ‘friendship’ and starting to believe that friendship means nothing, it’s just people that I hang out at school who talk to each other as we don;t talk at the holidays. (i try to text them but most ignore it until the end of holiday and make up some excuses on why they couldn’t text or not at all and pretend that the text wasn’t from 3 weeks ago). I don’t believe in friendship any more, we were born individually and some day will die alone. The people who I call friends, I feel don’t know what a true friendship is or are just not my friend. For me friendship is where you don’t leave people out (no matter if they are not your ‘best friend’), someone who won’t use you by only talking to you when they are alone, someone who doesn’t mock you just to be funny, don’t forget about you, also makes the effort to sustain the friendship, is there not to judge when you make mistakes or when you act strange, are there to show sympathy in times not always contradicting to everything you say like you are an idiot, tell you to ‘calm down’ or that you are being too ‘sensitive’ like your feelings are not valid when you laugh a lot. Maybe I hold high expectation but its because I can do it for them, so it makes me so sad when they disappoint me and yes some might have say that it’s my fault and that I shouldn’t expect this but no matter how hard I try I can’t stop hoping this… Why? I don’t know I as a kid used to think that it was normal for friends to do that… I wish them the best though and I hope that everyone is happy and not alone… It is sad to be alone, the feelings of being unloved but don’t worry someday you’ll meet someone or you’ll learn to love your own company and love the solitudeness. It may feel embarrassing to be alone but as you grow, the idea of being alone will seem very pleasing (well for me personally). This may make you sad and frustrated to hear as you want to have a friend you can share pain, secrets but I’ll tell you that you are just a speck of dust in this universe. God knows what’s out there, tell your pain to yourself in the mirror have a good cry alone in the bathroom or bed, write in a notebook or paper you’ll discard. I don’t know why we are here in this world? Maybe there is heaven? hell? cycle of rebirth? karma? this life only? but I’ll just say life for some are very painful, happy at times but no matter what I or someone do love you and you are not alone. Not only me but the stars, moon are shining brightly for you at times when things look too scary and dark <3 Be happy guys you can fool your brain you are happy by just smiling therefore make you feel happy but do have a good old cry and let it all out. I'll comfort you by thinking of you in the stars.
I also feel drained with being around them, sometimes I just want to block them out and run in the meadows by myself while listening to music or have a good old cry at home while hugging just someone who just holds me and says ‘it’ll be alright’ but that is just dreams. I want to hug my mum and have a good cry but its embarrassing as we are not emotionally close at all and she is busy with work and her boyfriend so I don’t want to be a nuisance.
I’m afraid my friends annoy me for no reasons, and its always me making the first move in conversation. I know I maybe selfish. But I just feel sad… lonely… but then I think about the future and I don’t think I’ll be friends with any of them not because I don’t want to but I do think they won’t make the effort and they drain me out emotionally and mentally that being with them makes me feel so depressed, make me cry maybe I have too much hope on them.
I literally see no future with my friends, I see some of my friends being friends with each other as each person has a person in our group that they are very close with, but there’s just me, the odd pea in the pod and I am glad I’m getting older since I don’t have to come to school, I love school and I’m grateful I can learn, the teachers, books etc, it’s just if I don’t come to school, it means I won’t be able to see my friends so I won’t get sad. I know it’s horrible of me to say but what can I do.