Posted by Anonymous on 2017/03/17 under Friends To start off, I would like to first mention what I’m grateful for. I have a boyfriend with whom I share an amazing bond with. We have been together for 2 years, and I am convinced that we were destined to be together, if destiny is a thing that exists. I also have a strong bond with my mother, and for that I consider myself lucky. These are the only two people I am hold a close, meaningful bond with. I had only a triangle of friends in high school. We were the ones that didn’t fit in. The outcasts. One of them specifically was my best friend. We were the type of friends that could be considered lifelong friends. I never thought I would lose her over something so petty and miniscule. But you see, I had an issue. Now I know what you’re probably thinking. It wasn’t alcohol, it wasn’t drugs. It was just me. I am an only child. I’ve always had a hard time making connections with people, even as a young child. I never knew how to truly act around others my age or show my affection and express my feelings. Despite this, I had a fairly normal childhood throughout elementary school and always just had one or two friends. Fast forward to high school, junior and senior year. I still have my two friends. We had never argued up until this point. Their bond was growing stronger, they began hanging out more and more, only it was without me. I was starting to feel rejected, pushed away, replaced, left out. This dragged my spirits down, which probably only escalated the problem. But I never said anything. Part of it was because I was just so uncomfortable expressing how I felt. Another reason was because I wasn’t sure if I was just overreacting. This continues for a few weeks. I get more and more upset, avoiding them more at this point. They didn’t seem to notice. Or they did, but they made no effort to come after me. Finally I was sick of it, so I reached out to my friends. But over text because that was the only way I could actually say what I felt. The conversation didn’t go well. I was blamed for the entire thing. There was a lot of miscommunication. I felt a bit ganged up on, and too prideful to admit fault. Nothing gets solved. We don’t talk for a few months, and when I got a hold of them and apologized we made up. But we only remained friends a few more months afterwards before the same thing repeats itself. It all ended with me being told to call or talk to them in person. Never spoke to them again. For the longest time afterwards, I just loathed them so much. How could they gang up on me and abandon me like this? I was so incredibly lonely. I had no one. I eventually made two more friends at work, but that was short lived and ended poorly as well. I moved 2 hours to move in with my dad so I can attend an art school nearby. It’s my second semester of my first year currently as I type this long rant (I know this is long, I’m sorry, but please bare with me, I’m getting to my point). I haven’t lived with my dad in 7 years. I’ve visited him on weekends and stayed for a few weeks at a time during summers, but we do not know eachother well. I also have not made a single friend since I’ve been here. I have not been adjusting well. I’ve been getting more and more depressed since I’ve been here. I have gotten to know myself more since I’ve moved and I’ve discovered my problem. I don’t want people to know how I feel. I fear vulnerability. I hold myself confidently, and I am very closed off. Detached. Seemingly uninterested, therefore unapproachable. I don’t approach people, either. I tried at the beginning but it always ended with rejection, which has seemed to worsen my incompetance. I don’t want to make myself sound like too much of an a******, though. I am polite and sweet when having a swallow interaction with acquaintances, but most of the time I just keep to myself anymore. After feeling so much rejection, I began to feel like such an outcast. I wasn’t trying to fit in, but it would have been nice for someone to show a bit of interest. Even when I’m friendly and open, I still repel people. Not sure why. I felt uninteresting, boring, like a failure. But anymore, I just don’t care. I don’t try anymore. I’m grumpy and closed off, and it shows in the way I carry myself. I have been told I’m intimidating, which I don’t mind anymore. I’m very grateful to my boyfriend and mom who have my backs and would do anything to support me. But I just don’t understand why that isn’t enough for me. I just feel like everyone has at least one friend, except me. I’ve been told it takes time. Which I do understand.. it just doesn’t make me feel better. What drove me over the edge, that made me want to write all this, was something that my dad said to me not even an hour earlier. We don’t communicate very well at all, not about stuff that matters anyway. I had finally told him that I was very unhappy up here. Everything I knew and loved was back home. I wasn’t adjusting well. He took it very personally, and asked me where he went wrong because he feels like I don’t like him. This hurt me. I am so horrible at expressing my affection and feelings, though. The best I could do at this moment was try to explain to him that I had a hard time showing how I feel and that it takes a very long time to get at that point with me. But he just doesn’t understand. I’m so unhappy because I’m so misunderstood, but I can’t bring myself to do anything about it. My own father thinks I dislike him. No no no, I don’t. I really don’t. We have had a rough past but it could have been so much worse. The fact that I gave him this impression makes me feel so unbelievably guilty. Ive just been depressed and lonely, so much so that it just pushes everyone away, even my dad. I would seek professional help, except I won’t because I’m too stubborn. I am my own worst enemy.