Somewhere To Write

Posted by Anonymous on 2016/08/31 under Uncategorized

Hi.I don’t want to say my name.I am 17 years old.I have been suffering from depression for the last 3 years.Since I was 14 I started feeling very left out.My parents were never supportive.I won’t say that they were bad or they didn’t care,but its just that they never listened to what I had to say.When turned 15 in January of 2014 my life took a turn for the worst.I liked a girl from when I was in grade 6(11 years old).But I lacked confidence.I couldn’t tell her how I felt.After 4 years I gathered the courage to tell her about my feelings.She rejected me.I was okay with that.I felt bad.But I didn’t get depressed.But after a few weeks people started teasing me about it.I realised that she told everyone about my feelings.I requested her not to tell anyone.She said she won’t.I don’t have friends in school.I can’t fit in with them.So most of them don’t bother about me.But suddenly I became the hot topic in class.Everyone was talking about me.Some even came up to me and said,”You are a piece of s***.You don’t deserve girls.A fat f**k like you should never be allowed to date girls.”I weighed 116kgs back then.But I am tall.I am 6’3.That shook me to my core.And people still laugh and make fun of me even after 2 years.Now another reason for my suicidal thoughts,My parents were never supportive.They always thought I was at fault in everything.I told them 3 months ago that I want to leave my school and leave my country.But they just yelled at me.I can’t change myself here.Because everybody here knows me well.They know about my character.I thought by leaving my country I could start over.Make new friends.But I wasn’t allowed.My parents said they don’t have that much money.Thats another thing that hit me hard.I grew up in a upper middle class family.But my relatives are filthy rich.My cousin who was my only friend,is the the person I grew up with.A few months back he left for abroad to study 12th grade in Malaysia.Then soon I started to realise that I am living in a bubble.I think that I can afford alot of things.But actually I cannot.My relatives can.All my ambitions and dreams are taken away from me just because I don’t have money.Every day I have to go back to my filthy school and see those filthy people.And that girl whom I loved.Now I have nothing but hatred for her.I just want to leave my country.Study abroad.Stay alone and do something on my own.But just because of money I can’t do it.My life is a total mess right now.I tell my parents everyday that I want to leave my school and this country.But they just yell and call me names.My tutor once told me that God puts the people he loves in tough situations to see how much they love him and believe in him.But 4 years is a long time.I can’t take it anymore.I might not be alive to see your reply.But I just want to say that I am tired.At least after I die I don’t have to see what I can afford and what I cannot.Because in the end we all are going to the same place.But one thing that bothers me the most is that even after I die nobody will care.Other than my parents.I spent my birthdays alone with my family.None of my relatives or classmates wished me.But they would plan surprise parties for my other classmates.I remember last year I planned on treating them on my birthday.I thought it would help me fit in.I invited around 20 people in a restaurant.Nobody showed up.Not even one.I still remember tears were rolling down my face but I had to control it because I was in a restaurant and I didn’t want to create a scene.I sat there on the long table and had dinner alone.After I came home I told my parents that I had fun.I didn’t tell them that nobody showed up.Because I knew they would say that it was my fault.To this day they think that my last birthday party was the best.I donated the money they gave me to treat my classmates.I am sorry for wasting your time.I just want to ask yousomething.Is it wrong to dream about studying in a foreign high school?Is it wrong to love someone when you are fat?I just want my parents to send me abroad,so that I can start over.Completely change myself and live life.

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