Posted by Anonymous on 2015/03/30 under Uncategorized I have never been deeply religious, I am not even a Christian, but to me writing, especially this level of personal writing just letting everything out of me with on limits or boundaries seems to me its own form of confession. While I have no father or religious figure to confess my supposed crimes to, I confess them to the world.
I am hopelessly in love with girl that I am 99% sure does not love me back. I know this but I’m still in love with her. I have no idea why because I know that it will end badly but I cannot stop myself no matter how hard I try. With every girl I know this has happened to me. First I get to know them and feel nothing but when I actually feel like I know them, I fall in love with them. I become blind to the obvious signs that I see only later when my heart is broken, there was only ever a platonic friendship between us, I was always in the friend zone and no here else. However, I still continued to pursue the girl, I know I’m not needy but sometimes I may come off that way, but I can’t understand why. I have a loving family and great friends but still I seem needy to others when it comes to relationships. I see everyone else around me in a relationship, people I don’t’ even know or know that well and I feel happy for them, truly I do but something still feels empty inside of me like there’s a part of me that needs to be filled. I’m fine being on my own and even enjoy it, but I want someone else to be there with me.
I recently discovered what a demisexual was and I think that I’m one of them and to me being a demisexual seems to spell doom for me. In order for me to feel love, I need that emotional connection because to me what’s on the inside is much more important than what’s on the outside, but by the time I figure out hat’s on the inside and form that bond I land in the friendzone. This is why I feel that being a demisexual is akin to living alone in this society. Currently everyone seems to just hookup and drift apart or hookup and stay together without a second thought. I can’t do that I need that deeper connection and that seems to be the death of my relationships. I have tried to reject that connection but I cannot, it always comes back to me, and with this girl I feel that connection more than ever. I feel like she truly understands me for who I am and likes me for it. I feel like I understand her and I like her for it. To me we seem perfect for each other we have likes and dislikes but that’s what makes it special we aren’t the sane person and that allows for all the ups and down in a relationship instead of a perfect one. Still I know that we will never be more than friends, I feel it in my bones but some part of me isn’t satisfied with that. I want to be more than friends, even though it may break whatever connection we currently have. In an attempt to not lose my connection with her, I have stopped talking to her as much as I used to. I do this not because I don’t want to because if I had the option, I would talk to her every chance I get, I do this because I don’t trust myself around her. I don’t trust what may just slip out of my mouth all these emotions bottled up inside me, I’m scared that she will see them and be scared of the depths of my feelings for her and I don’t want that to happen.
I’m going to see her this summer, face to face, for the first time in six years Since I last saw her, more like 10 since we actually talked to one another face to face. Whenever I think about seeing her I become a mess. I’m nervous and excited at the same time, because right here, right now, I’m far away from her so I am able to have that objectivity. When I’m close to her though, I’m scared that I won’t have that objectivity anymore that everything will just come pouring out of my mouth and everything that we have will be ruined. I had already planned what I would do when I saw her for the first time and I thought it would be friendly but looking at it again, it seems more like a date than anything else. I haven’t actually gone somewhere with only a girl before, I’ve always been in a group, and even then I didn’t talk or do much, I was always in the back sidelined, watching everyone and making sure that they were ok and helping them if they weren’t. Now I don’t have that option, it’ll be just me and her. I don’t even go out much at all now I’ve kept to myself, become more introverted, not that I was ever very extroverted to start with. I feel like I won’t know how to talk to her, how to keep the conversation going and that she’ll just feel obligated to spend time with me and I don’t want that to happen, but I don’t know what to do to stop that from happening. Somebody please help me, because I am hopelessly lost.
This is my confession, my heart feels lighter, like a burden has been lifted off it but not my much, there’s still heaviness there but this is just the start.