Posted by ArrayOfScatteredEmotions on 2014/07/29 under Uncategorized The day it happened was unbelievable. It wasn’t real. I couldn’t have been going through something like this. Not me. No. I mean, no one talks about these things here in my family. My family doesn’t do ’emotions’. Everyone just keeps everything in. The day it happened, it was the exact same thing. EVERYONE was holding it in. No one wanted to let it out. I wanted to shout! I wanted to cry, I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs. I wanted to see him one more time before he was gone for the rest of my life. I was thinking it’s not going to happen now. He’s just in a funk. He’ll get better and that will be all there is to it. He’ll live to see the day he becomes a grandfather. That night, everyone was just silently crying, tears running down everyone’s face. I couldn’t get my mind around it. No, yes, I could. I didn’t think my mind was in such a bad state. I thought, right now, I’m weeping for someone I love very much, this is normal but is it normal to think right away about how everything is going to be paid? We’re barely keeping up with the rent. Where do we get the money for a funeral? And then there I go again, thinking I shouldn’t be thinking that, I should be thinking how my mother is doing, how is everyone else? What’s running through their minds? I felt I didn’t have time to think about myself. I had to think how will I be able to check on everyone without letting them know, ‘I’m doing this because I don’t want you to get over stressed about anything’. So here I go with adding on to what I do best. I pretend to be forgetful, I pretend to be unaware of things. I pretend to be more of an air-head than I actually am. I’ll continue this, and add to it. More forgetfulness, more dumb-blonde moments, and more pretending to have no shame on things like when I was in school, I’d get bad grades and be ‘proud’ of it and ‘show’ off. So then my mother would say I have no shame. But she would laugh so I thought it was worth it. But I’d only do it and say it because I knew it’d make people laugh. I started acting this way back in High School and everyone around me has just settled to me being this way ever since. I’ll continue to do so if it will make others feel ecstatic, if even for a moment in time.